"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i drank out of a bidet.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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