"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
