He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
