you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize