I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
