is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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