I think my fart just growled at me.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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