I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Drunk is a universal language darling
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
