Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
you made out with another girl for some wings
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
