I wish I could teleport
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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