Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
