Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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