mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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