my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize