i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
