porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
