there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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