I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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