just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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