My room smells like vodka and shame
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
