my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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