i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
