What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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