I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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