i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
