i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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