my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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