He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
