seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize