Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
