She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
