you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We need to get me chipped asap
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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