I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
