She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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