That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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