Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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