i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
