my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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