All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Randomize
