Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
