I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
