you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm passing your future prison.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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