I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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