His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
