I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
