i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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