I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
