it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
