rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
