The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
only you would photoshop your dick
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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