Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
