After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You dont lie about slip and slides
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
the raccoons are back...
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