She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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