I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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