youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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