If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
